We do it to ourselves

I recently underwent surgery for knee replacement. The “original” was in bad shape. After five weeks all was going well. Then…I over did it and damaged a tendon. Back under the knife and facing a lengthy recovery and rehab. Arghh…

I say this not to elicit sympathy, more to illustrate a theme in my life. Not to make too much of my personal travails, I am drawn to parallels in literature (My mother instilled a love of books at an early age).

There are broad sweeping themes: “Man versus Nature” (Old man and the Sea). “Man versus Man” (Hunger Games). “Man versus Society” (1984). And then comes my favorite, “Man versus Himself.” In each, the story is about a person facing their Nemesis (an inescapable agent of someone’s downfall). In this case, that is not an external threat.

I have found (once again), my Nemesis. And it is of my own construction, “Me against me.”

The story is not new. I have periodically (or perhaps consistently) done things to myself that have derailed what I thought was my given path.

This is not a recent development. When I was a kid, I was (what at the time was called) “accident prone.” Or perhaps more accurately, a “klutz.” My father was stationed in Germany when I was young, and he said that I fell into every body of water in Europe. I would look in, then over I went…to be fished out. I don’t remember it, but it certainly seems consistent with the trend.

Another time I was chasing “bummy bees” with a glass mayonnaise jar (it was the 60s) and fell. I ran home with my hands cut (I still have the scars). Another of my father’s favorite sayings obtained, “stupidity has its own rewards.” That has stuck with me and certainly describes my latest “adventures.”

I seem to personify the old adage, “One step forward, two steps back.” Yet to be fair, not all is amiss. There have been (sometimes lengthy) spurts of success and happiness. Sometimes even both personal and professional. Those are the good times. When the “Fates” shine down (easier to think of it that way).

Or more as my faith would say, “God is in his heaven and all is right with the world.” So I guess in total, perhaps it is more like “two steps forward, one back.” Yet, that “one step” (back) can be a doozie.

We are allowed Free Will (the freedom to make our own choices), which collectively drive the path that God has laid out for us. The good and the bad have meaning (although rarely always intuitively obvious to us). Some events are simply beyond our understanding.

But here is my point. All too frequently (and knowingly), we allow ourselves to become our own particular adversary. Perhaps it is our better nature battling with the lesser angels of our spirit. Right does not always prevail. And in this case (literally) I have no one to blame but myself.

As actions seem to repeat, I am reminded of the iconic final line from F Scott Fitgerald’s, The Great Gatsby, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” We seem destined to repeat ourselves. Learn, we do. Adapt, we can. Yet we persistently seem to return from whence we came. Time after time, I push things too far. Believe too strongly in “my” ability to slay the dragon, only to find that I have been “tilting at windmills.” Battling the unwinnable fight against myself.

I should know better. I have often paused (wondering if this is really a good idea), only to ignore my own cautions and step arrogantly into my personal maelstrom. Only to find what I already (subliminally) knew, “Bad idea, Dave.”

I am 70 this month. At some point (it probably should have been decades ago), you’d think I would grow up. Place a mature caution in place of youthful invincibility. But no. Simply not part of my genetics.

I am reminded of a quoted fable attributed to Aeschylus, “That once an eagle, stricken with a dart; Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft; ‘With our own feathers, not by others’ hands; Are we now smitten.” We do it to ourselves.

So in the end, I have found that I have often been my own worst enemy. It seems that I cannot help myself. Or is that simply a self-serving justification for not having (gained) the wisdom so necessary for longevity.

As a weathered hand, I have often said to young entrepreneurs, “You are going to pay a lot of tuition. You sure better have gone to class.” Perhaps there is still time to take my own advice. Maybe I won’t screw it up next time…one can only hope.