Reality vs. Expectations—and When It Surprises You
Life often teaches us, sometimes with a heavy hand, that reality rarely aligns with our expectations. We plan vacations that fall flat, careers that veer off course, and relationships that don’t match the stories we tell ourselves. Expectations, after all, are projections—fantasies crafted in the mind—while reality is stubbornly tangible, shaped by circumstance and imperfection.
The world sells expectations like candy. We are fed visions of what success looks like, how love should unfold, what family gatherings are supposed to feel like. The script is clean. It’s neat. However, in the actual world we inhabit, that story doesn’t hold. Life wanders. People disappoint. Plans unravel. Reality rarely adheres to the tales we have told ourselves.
Expectations are not always inflated. Yes, we fantasize about how wonderful things will turn out. This is usually a recipe for disappointment. However, we can also dread the future. I frequently find myself preparing for the worst: an awkward meeting or project that will go awry. I have tried to solve such problems in the dead of the night only to lose a night’s sleep for nothing. My fears, like my hopes unrealized.
So, we lower the bar because we’ve learned to protect ourselves. Expectations, after all, are just hope wearing a coat of assumptions (which are often ill considered). We believe that they are under our control. They are tidy. Reality, on the other hand, is messy, human, unpredictable. It’s free to disillusion—but also free to surprise.
In the midst of life’s inevitable mismatches, there are rare and powerful moments when reality doesn’t just meet our hopes—it exceeds them. And when it does surprise us, especially with the people we’ve known the longest (our family), it tends to leave a deeper impression.
Last week, I had such an experience. The 4th of July has become our family gathering. Not everyone could make it, but enough. This year my kids and grandchildren came home. My brother and his granddaughter joined us. My stepson and fiancé were able to stop by. Other parents joined us. Chaotic. I was both wary and ebullient.
There were some moments of disequilibrium as we assembled at the lake. Barb worked tirelessly to decorate, prepare food, to ensure everything was right. I was not always appreciative and I’m sure she felt overlooked. Certainly, an expectation unmet. Yet, we all appreciated her efforts in our own way. Such is not always evident to the one doing the heavy lifting.
However, the days were more filled with joy and mirth. Her son just got engaged and they came to join us for a brief celebration. Some imperfection in execution. The girls missed the occasion with a conflicting event. Barb asked me to get the cake. I couldn’t find it, although it was right in my face. (in my mind, the decorations made it look like flowers). My bad. However, it was “perfect.” A beautiful toast. Our joy for them overwhelming. Things may not always unfold as we wish, but they usually work out. If we can find a way to “modify” our expectations, we may find a result better than we initially imagined.
As I sat with my grandson, Porter, we dug into our slices He would look at me with wide eyes and frosting on his face and say, “Caaake,” to which I would respond in kind. Then he would smile, giggle and stuff another piece of cake in his mouth….and we would do it again, and again, and again… Kids can exhibit such joy at the simplest things. I wish we could keep that spirit as we grow. There was a depth of happiness that I cannot describe. The act was silly. It was fun. It was precious. It will be stored in my memory always. It is a snapshot I will relish over and over again.
The time passed by way too fast. All too soon I found myself standing alone as my kids departed. I stood, like I had so many times before, and watched as the last car turned the corner and disappeared. All was quiet, the cacophony abated. I was alone with my thoughts. But mostly I was wrapped in a serenity that said, “All is well in the world” (if only for this brief moment).
Here’s the thing about life. It is neither as great as we hope, nor as terrible as we fear. Our expectations, high or low, are manifestations of a world that does not, nor ever will exist. Hopefully over life’s journey we learn to take the good with the bad. But every so often, reality exceeds our wildest expectations. When that happens with family…well, life doesn’t get any better.
